As a child, my family took summer road trips to visit my mom’s extended family in southeastern Idaho along the Snake River. I was soon introduced to the joys of staying up late with my second cousins, jumping off hay bales, catching fireflies, clambering along the sharp lava rocks on Rock Chuck Hill, and cantering down the rocky road on a horse who moved so swiftly my breath would catch in my chest. 

While we found plenty of ways to play and have fun as children so easily do, we were also very different. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, my cousins attended services on Sunday, had large families, prayed before meals, and didn’t curse. In Seattle, I attended a big public school with kids from a wide range of backgrounds and we rode buses, not horses. My family didn’t attend religious services, but we did celebrate Christmas and Hannukah, Easter and Passover, and I probably cursed a little more than I should have. I remember my mom pleading with us to replace “Oh my God” with “Oh my gosh” before we’d arrive in Idaho each year.  When we slipped and said it anyway, our cousins' eyes would grow wide.

My second cousin closest in age to me is Megan; we are just a few months apart. Throughout the school year, we wrote each other letters. The year I was preparing for my bat-mitzvah, I wrote to her a lot about the process. In turn, Megan sent me a copy of the Book of Mormon, underlining in red pencil passages that held special meaning to her. When we were reunited each summer, Megan and I would pick up right where we left off. Sometimes Megan and her sister would travel back to Seattle with us and our late night conversations about faith and family would continue.

As an adult I am grateful to have spent time with cousins who didn’t think or believe like I did, but with whom I felt so safe and connected. Over the years, as we have road tripped east or as Megan and her family have traveled through Seattle, we’ve managed to see one another every so often and our conversations seem to just pick up right where they left off.

I recently traveled to give a talk in Boise, Idaho, where Megan now lives with her family. She graciously hosted me and, just like old times, we dove right into conversations about family, faith, parenting, and politics. Our discourse is curious, respectful, and genuine. In our relationship, we see potentially divisive topics as opportunities to forge deeper connections. We’re okay not agreeing on everything, but nothing feels contentious.

Megan’s children are now young adults and teenagers and mine are both teens, and we spent many hours talking about technology and parenting.I noticed that while our upbringings couldn’t have looked more different, we were both tech-intentional parents.

Here is why: Tech-intentional™ parenting is value-based parenting. Megan and her family are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and my family and I are Jew-ish (emphasis on the “-ish”), but “values-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.” Values-based means we are guided by principles to determine what is important in our lives– how we get there doesn’t matter; we find the path that works for us. 

Values-based parenting is what we do, everyday. If we value helping others, then chores are just a part of our daily routine; not something added on later or extrinsically motivated. Megan’s teenager has daily responsibilities that he takes care of without being asked because that’s the established expectation. If we want our children to treat people with respect, we treat others– including our children– with respect.

We model our values in our actions. We can teach young children about values by asking a question like: “If an alien from outer space landed in our living room and looked around, what would that alien say is important to our family?” Shoes off by the door? We value a tidy home. Phones charging in the living room? We value our health and good sleep. Well-worn books on the shelf? We value learning. And so on. I noticed Megan asked her son’s permission to share a photo; getting consent is also values-based parenting.

Tech-intentional parents understand that the values we hold apply to all members of the family– not just the children. Children detect and despise hypocrisy. If a family values conversation and connection, then no one gets to have their phone at the dinner table. If your family values time together, then there is only one screen playing during family movie night (ahem, parents…put your phones away). If we don’t want our teens to text and drive, well, we’d better not be texting and driving. When we were together with Megan’s family and her sister’s family, we played a card game– younger children, teenagers, and middle-aged moms alike. No one said, “Put your phones away” because they weren’t a distraction. The norm was to be together and play cards, not to be on devices. 

I titled my book “The Screentime Solution” because I felt like there were so many books about the screentime problem that I wanted parents to have the actionable to-do’s. But the secret sauce is really that tech-intentional parenting is values-based parenting. That’s it. It’s not one way to parent; it’s many. It’s not a single conversation; it’s an arc of conversation. It’s not one way of thinking or believing; it’s recognizing that different families have different routines.

Tech-intentional parents use values as the foundation on which they build their screentime “rules” or “limits.” Tech-intentional families prioritize their relationships with one another over being “right” or “perfect.” Tech-intentional parents know that mistake-making is a critical part of learning, and that both parents and children have to practice repair. And finally, tech-intentional families know that no two families are alike and that’s okay.

Before I wrote this essay, I texted Megan to say I was thinking about writing about our friendship over the years and how even though we aren’t of the same faith, our shared values matter to how we parent and would she be okay with me writing about this. She wrote back: “I would love for you to write about our friendship. I treasure it so much.” 

Tech-intentional parenting is value-based parenting, whether you are Jewish or Mormon; rural or urban; whether you have lots of kids or one kid; you’re from Washington or Idaho; or whether you ride horses or buses. If you have and live by clear values, and if you focus on and model those values for your children, and you parent from those values, then you will naturally be intentional about how your family uses technology. You will be a tech-intentional parent.

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