It’s not (really) the phones. It’s the internet.
It’s not (really) the phones. It’s the internet.
(Why my 14-year-old has a flip phone)
(Why my 14-year-old has a flip phone)
Jun 25, 2025
Jun 25, 2025
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On the last day of school, just before we arrived at the corner where it is no longer socially acceptable to be seen in public with a teen, my newly-minted 14-year-old daughter and I got in an argument about smartphones. It’s not the first time and it will not be the last, but this one came out of left field because the statement that led to the fight was something (I thought) was rather innocuous: “Dad and I want to get you a flip phone this weekend– maybe we can go do that on Friday?”
In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the right moment to bring it up. Last day of school = high emotions. I’ll own that the timing wasn’t ideal. But Sylvie seized on my untimely offer and launched into a tirade about how I “promised” that she would get a “smartphone” before “high school” and I’ve put all those in quotes because they are indeed fragments of words I have, at some point in the past few years, uttered. Generally, I try to avoid making promises I can’t keep, but my savvy daughter is a gifted verbal gymnast and completely skipped the “Flip-phone?-Yay!” reaction I was hoping for and instead dove directly on top of my failure to be true to my (supposed) word.
She was right that we have always couched a first phone as something that would happen “at the end of 8th grade and/or before high school.” And technically, we did provide her with an older Light Phone at the start of the school year this year, but it somehow went through the washing machine and ceased operating. She has been able to text and Facetime freely with her friends from an iPad (we share my phone number for that), and generally speaking, she has quite a lot of digital freedom. Also, Sylvie is just finishing 7th grade, not 8th grade. Very proactive of her, I’ll give her that.
But that wasn’t a point I was about to make six minutes before the first bell rang on the last day of school. My attempt to react, pivot, and respond wasn’t fast enough, however, so foolishly, I took the bait and said something weak like, “I’d be happy to give you a phone from 2010!” (Note: the best parenting advice I have ever received is this: “You don't have to accept the invitation to every fight you’re invited to.” Unfortunately, at that moment, I forgot that very good advice. I accepted).
She responded with a loud “THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU PROMISED” and stormed off.*
First, let me remind you that I, too, am a parent of teens (two) and even if I am an “expert” (my kids will happily dispute this), I do not by any stretch get this parenting stuff right all or even most of the time. Most days it does feel like a cross-my-fingers-and-hope-we’re-doing-enough-of-the-good-stuff-to-balance-the-not-so-good kind of experience, and occasionally I find myself enraged at the technology industry and social media platforms and a culture that shoves dopamine snacks in the hands of hungry children. Which usually happens after I've scrolled past some infuriating ad on Instagram or read a post about some distressing research on LinkedIn. Guilty as charged.
Secondly, I am not opposed to teenagers having phones. Just like I’m not opposed to children having access to computers in school. But neither “phones” nor “computers” today mean the same thing they did when I was a kid or even 15 years ago for that matter.
When I told Sylvie I was fine with her having a phone from 2010, it’s because we were living in a very different world back then. Here's what I meant: in 2010 not even one-third of mobile users (adults!) had smartphones. The Apple iPhone 4 was just out with “brand-new features” like a front-facing camera and FaceTime videocalling. And only 14% of teens had an iPhone in 2010. In 2010, I was still teaching 7th grade and “phone-free schools” wasn’t a topic of conversation because most middle-schoolers didn’t have smartphones.
Here is the crux of the issue: It’s not the smartphone, it’s the “smart” phone.
Or, more directly, it’s not the phone itself, it’s the internet.
One of the simplest, most impactful changes that parents and schools could make right now to better protect children’s mental health, focus and attention, and social skills would be to drastically reduce their ability to access the internet.
Full stop.
If what parents want when they give their children phones is the ability to easily communicate, then for what reason do children need the internet? An old-school flip phone or Light Phone provides the ability to do just that, minus the risks associated with social media platforms, internet access, the App store, games, and bottomless scroll.
Remove the ability to connect to the internet and a phone becomes the tool it was created to be: a communication device.
The same is true for internet-connected 1:1 school-issued devices. If there is an academic benefit to providing children computers in school (and that is a debate for a different essay), then is that not possible to provide without internet access? A Chromebook isn’t a computer; it’s an internet browser. None of its features work without internet connectivity or a child having a Google account.
If (and again, a lot of heavy lifting on the “if”) there is a pedagogical benefit to providing a child a computer in or for school, why have schools only contracted with companies whose curricula or software functions only when these devices are internet connected? Why can’t a curriculum be downloaded onto a device or tools white-listed (meaning any digital platforms or tools used go through a vigorous vetting process first vs. the digital whac-a-mole approach taken today to attempt to block sites) and built into the hardware? (And for those who wonder about updating materials, the internet can be accessible to the adults whose job it is to update or improve the materials; the children themselves do not need access.) If you noticed in my Four Norms of EdTech, I differentiate between “internet-connected devices” and computers for these reasons explicitly (EdTech is not the same thing as Tech Ed.)
Remove the ability for children to access the internet on school-issued devices and you return the computer as a tool that children do need to learn about in this highly digital world.
Which brings us back to Sylvie and the flip phone. As her parent, I am at a point where I can see the benefits of her being able to reach us after camp or when she’s ready to be picked up from a friend’s house. I want her to have the independence to navigate the neighborhood and spend time hanging out with friends without hovering or constantly monitoring her– becoming an independent adult means giving teens the opportunities to practice independence while they’re still living at home, even if that sometimes feels scary to us as parents.
And even though she didn’t react how I’d hoped she would when I’d initially offered the flip phone, we decided to get her one anyway and just, you know…casually leave it around the kitchen and see if she noticed.
And get this: it worked.
While she was out with her cousins, we snuck out to Best Buy, bought their (only) flip phone for about a tenth of the cost of an iPhone, ordered a pink case from Amazon to pretty it up (Best Buy guy: “You really don’t need a case for these phones, they’re kind of indestructible” which is also another noteworthy benefit), shut off the ability to connect to the internet, added our own names and phone numbers, and just…left it fully charged on the counter.
When Sylvie got home, we were in the other room talking and I heard her exclaim, “Hey!? What’s this!?” as she picked up the flip phone.
“Oh that?” I replied so coolly and casually. “Just a flip phone for you…if you want it.”
Reader, she wanted it.
And it went a million times better than I expected. It was even fun because we had to teach her how to turn it on and off (remember those days?) and all about predictive texting. We even started our first-ever family group chat, and Sylvie cracked the joke that her messages would always be two topics behind because of how slowly she texted. (Thankfully, the flip phone has emoji capabilities, so she’ll communicate just fine.) 😜
The flip phone does have a few old-school games on it (Snake!) but they aren’t connected to the internet or to strangers or to a points system that gets publicized. While the flip phone may still provide some distractions, they are contained. There is no bottomless scroll or app store or social media apps. If people are trying to contact her, it’ll be because they have her (flip) phone number, not because she posted a picture that some stranger finds appealing.
The distractions of a flip-phone are manageable. They are part of the teaching we get to do as she learns not just how to use it but when and why, too. And even though she may still want a smartphone, her confidence and cheerfulness after getting the flip phone has been at an all-time high.
Plus, she’s realized that she can dramatically snap a flip phone shut, unlike a smartphone. I’ve taught her that in the olden days, we referred to this as “hanging up.” :)
*Just because I know I’m not the only parent out there who has experienced the whiplash of being hugged and verbally sparred with a teenager within the same 30 second window, rest assured that I decided to repair things with Sylvie by delivering her favorite snacks to the pool where she was meeting friends after school. She looked surprised to see me, but then accepted the treats with a hug, a “Thank you,” and a loud “HEY GUYS, THIS IS MY MOM!” Sigh. As I’ve said many times before, parenting teens is like being told “I need you” while simultaneously being shown the middle finger.
On the last day of school, just before we arrived at the corner where it is no longer socially acceptable to be seen in public with a teen, my newly-minted 14-year-old daughter and I got in an argument about smartphones. It’s not the first time and it will not be the last, but this one came out of left field because the statement that led to the fight was something (I thought) was rather innocuous: “Dad and I want to get you a flip phone this weekend– maybe we can go do that on Friday?”
In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the right moment to bring it up. Last day of school = high emotions. I’ll own that the timing wasn’t ideal. But Sylvie seized on my untimely offer and launched into a tirade about how I “promised” that she would get a “smartphone” before “high school” and I’ve put all those in quotes because they are indeed fragments of words I have, at some point in the past few years, uttered. Generally, I try to avoid making promises I can’t keep, but my savvy daughter is a gifted verbal gymnast and completely skipped the “Flip-phone?-Yay!” reaction I was hoping for and instead dove directly on top of my failure to be true to my (supposed) word.
She was right that we have always couched a first phone as something that would happen “at the end of 8th grade and/or before high school.” And technically, we did provide her with an older Light Phone at the start of the school year this year, but it somehow went through the washing machine and ceased operating. She has been able to text and Facetime freely with her friends from an iPad (we share my phone number for that), and generally speaking, she has quite a lot of digital freedom. Also, Sylvie is just finishing 7th grade, not 8th grade. Very proactive of her, I’ll give her that.
But that wasn’t a point I was about to make six minutes before the first bell rang on the last day of school. My attempt to react, pivot, and respond wasn’t fast enough, however, so foolishly, I took the bait and said something weak like, “I’d be happy to give you a phone from 2010!” (Note: the best parenting advice I have ever received is this: “You don't have to accept the invitation to every fight you’re invited to.” Unfortunately, at that moment, I forgot that very good advice. I accepted).
She responded with a loud “THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU PROMISED” and stormed off.*
First, let me remind you that I, too, am a parent of teens (two) and even if I am an “expert” (my kids will happily dispute this), I do not by any stretch get this parenting stuff right all or even most of the time. Most days it does feel like a cross-my-fingers-and-hope-we’re-doing-enough-of-the-good-stuff-to-balance-the-not-so-good kind of experience, and occasionally I find myself enraged at the technology industry and social media platforms and a culture that shoves dopamine snacks in the hands of hungry children. Which usually happens after I've scrolled past some infuriating ad on Instagram or read a post about some distressing research on LinkedIn. Guilty as charged.
Secondly, I am not opposed to teenagers having phones. Just like I’m not opposed to children having access to computers in school. But neither “phones” nor “computers” today mean the same thing they did when I was a kid or even 15 years ago for that matter.
When I told Sylvie I was fine with her having a phone from 2010, it’s because we were living in a very different world back then. Here's what I meant: in 2010 not even one-third of mobile users (adults!) had smartphones. The Apple iPhone 4 was just out with “brand-new features” like a front-facing camera and FaceTime videocalling. And only 14% of teens had an iPhone in 2010. In 2010, I was still teaching 7th grade and “phone-free schools” wasn’t a topic of conversation because most middle-schoolers didn’t have smartphones.
Here is the crux of the issue: It’s not the smartphone, it’s the “smart” phone.
Or, more directly, it’s not the phone itself, it’s the internet.
One of the simplest, most impactful changes that parents and schools could make right now to better protect children’s mental health, focus and attention, and social skills would be to drastically reduce their ability to access the internet.
Full stop.
If what parents want when they give their children phones is the ability to easily communicate, then for what reason do children need the internet? An old-school flip phone or Light Phone provides the ability to do just that, minus the risks associated with social media platforms, internet access, the App store, games, and bottomless scroll.
Remove the ability to connect to the internet and a phone becomes the tool it was created to be: a communication device.
The same is true for internet-connected 1:1 school-issued devices. If there is an academic benefit to providing children computers in school (and that is a debate for a different essay), then is that not possible to provide without internet access? A Chromebook isn’t a computer; it’s an internet browser. None of its features work without internet connectivity or a child having a Google account.
If (and again, a lot of heavy lifting on the “if”) there is a pedagogical benefit to providing a child a computer in or for school, why have schools only contracted with companies whose curricula or software functions only when these devices are internet connected? Why can’t a curriculum be downloaded onto a device or tools white-listed (meaning any digital platforms or tools used go through a vigorous vetting process first vs. the digital whac-a-mole approach taken today to attempt to block sites) and built into the hardware? (And for those who wonder about updating materials, the internet can be accessible to the adults whose job it is to update or improve the materials; the children themselves do not need access.) If you noticed in my Four Norms of EdTech, I differentiate between “internet-connected devices” and computers for these reasons explicitly (EdTech is not the same thing as Tech Ed.)
Remove the ability for children to access the internet on school-issued devices and you return the computer as a tool that children do need to learn about in this highly digital world.
Which brings us back to Sylvie and the flip phone. As her parent, I am at a point where I can see the benefits of her being able to reach us after camp or when she’s ready to be picked up from a friend’s house. I want her to have the independence to navigate the neighborhood and spend time hanging out with friends without hovering or constantly monitoring her– becoming an independent adult means giving teens the opportunities to practice independence while they’re still living at home, even if that sometimes feels scary to us as parents.
And even though she didn’t react how I’d hoped she would when I’d initially offered the flip phone, we decided to get her one anyway and just, you know…casually leave it around the kitchen and see if she noticed.
And get this: it worked.
While she was out with her cousins, we snuck out to Best Buy, bought their (only) flip phone for about a tenth of the cost of an iPhone, ordered a pink case from Amazon to pretty it up (Best Buy guy: “You really don’t need a case for these phones, they’re kind of indestructible” which is also another noteworthy benefit), shut off the ability to connect to the internet, added our own names and phone numbers, and just…left it fully charged on the counter.
When Sylvie got home, we were in the other room talking and I heard her exclaim, “Hey!? What’s this!?” as she picked up the flip phone.
“Oh that?” I replied so coolly and casually. “Just a flip phone for you…if you want it.”
Reader, she wanted it.
And it went a million times better than I expected. It was even fun because we had to teach her how to turn it on and off (remember those days?) and all about predictive texting. We even started our first-ever family group chat, and Sylvie cracked the joke that her messages would always be two topics behind because of how slowly she texted. (Thankfully, the flip phone has emoji capabilities, so she’ll communicate just fine.) 😜
The flip phone does have a few old-school games on it (Snake!) but they aren’t connected to the internet or to strangers or to a points system that gets publicized. While the flip phone may still provide some distractions, they are contained. There is no bottomless scroll or app store or social media apps. If people are trying to contact her, it’ll be because they have her (flip) phone number, not because she posted a picture that some stranger finds appealing.
The distractions of a flip-phone are manageable. They are part of the teaching we get to do as she learns not just how to use it but when and why, too. And even though she may still want a smartphone, her confidence and cheerfulness after getting the flip phone has been at an all-time high.
Plus, she’s realized that she can dramatically snap a flip phone shut, unlike a smartphone. I’ve taught her that in the olden days, we referred to this as “hanging up.” :)
*Just because I know I’m not the only parent out there who has experienced the whiplash of being hugged and verbally sparred with a teenager within the same 30 second window, rest assured that I decided to repair things with Sylvie by delivering her favorite snacks to the pool where she was meeting friends after school. She looked surprised to see me, but then accepted the treats with a hug, a “Thank you,” and a loud “HEY GUYS, THIS IS MY MOM!” Sigh. As I’ve said many times before, parenting teens is like being told “I need you” while simultaneously being shown the middle finger.
On the last day of school, just before we arrived at the corner where it is no longer socially acceptable to be seen in public with a teen, my newly-minted 14-year-old daughter and I got in an argument about smartphones. It’s not the first time and it will not be the last, but this one came out of left field because the statement that led to the fight was something (I thought) was rather innocuous: “Dad and I want to get you a flip phone this weekend– maybe we can go do that on Friday?”
In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the right moment to bring it up. Last day of school = high emotions. I’ll own that the timing wasn’t ideal. But Sylvie seized on my untimely offer and launched into a tirade about how I “promised” that she would get a “smartphone” before “high school” and I’ve put all those in quotes because they are indeed fragments of words I have, at some point in the past few years, uttered. Generally, I try to avoid making promises I can’t keep, but my savvy daughter is a gifted verbal gymnast and completely skipped the “Flip-phone?-Yay!” reaction I was hoping for and instead dove directly on top of my failure to be true to my (supposed) word.
She was right that we have always couched a first phone as something that would happen “at the end of 8th grade and/or before high school.” And technically, we did provide her with an older Light Phone at the start of the school year this year, but it somehow went through the washing machine and ceased operating. She has been able to text and Facetime freely with her friends from an iPad (we share my phone number for that), and generally speaking, she has quite a lot of digital freedom. Also, Sylvie is just finishing 7th grade, not 8th grade. Very proactive of her, I’ll give her that.
But that wasn’t a point I was about to make six minutes before the first bell rang on the last day of school. My attempt to react, pivot, and respond wasn’t fast enough, however, so foolishly, I took the bait and said something weak like, “I’d be happy to give you a phone from 2010!” (Note: the best parenting advice I have ever received is this: “You don't have to accept the invitation to every fight you’re invited to.” Unfortunately, at that moment, I forgot that very good advice. I accepted).
She responded with a loud “THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU PROMISED” and stormed off.*
First, let me remind you that I, too, am a parent of teens (two) and even if I am an “expert” (my kids will happily dispute this), I do not by any stretch get this parenting stuff right all or even most of the time. Most days it does feel like a cross-my-fingers-and-hope-we’re-doing-enough-of-the-good-stuff-to-balance-the-not-so-good kind of experience, and occasionally I find myself enraged at the technology industry and social media platforms and a culture that shoves dopamine snacks in the hands of hungry children. Which usually happens after I've scrolled past some infuriating ad on Instagram or read a post about some distressing research on LinkedIn. Guilty as charged.
Secondly, I am not opposed to teenagers having phones. Just like I’m not opposed to children having access to computers in school. But neither “phones” nor “computers” today mean the same thing they did when I was a kid or even 15 years ago for that matter.
When I told Sylvie I was fine with her having a phone from 2010, it’s because we were living in a very different world back then. Here's what I meant: in 2010 not even one-third of mobile users (adults!) had smartphones. The Apple iPhone 4 was just out with “brand-new features” like a front-facing camera and FaceTime videocalling. And only 14% of teens had an iPhone in 2010. In 2010, I was still teaching 7th grade and “phone-free schools” wasn’t a topic of conversation because most middle-schoolers didn’t have smartphones.
Here is the crux of the issue: It’s not the smartphone, it’s the “smart” phone.
Or, more directly, it’s not the phone itself, it’s the internet.
One of the simplest, most impactful changes that parents and schools could make right now to better protect children’s mental health, focus and attention, and social skills would be to drastically reduce their ability to access the internet.
Full stop.
If what parents want when they give their children phones is the ability to easily communicate, then for what reason do children need the internet? An old-school flip phone or Light Phone provides the ability to do just that, minus the risks associated with social media platforms, internet access, the App store, games, and bottomless scroll.
Remove the ability to connect to the internet and a phone becomes the tool it was created to be: a communication device.
The same is true for internet-connected 1:1 school-issued devices. If there is an academic benefit to providing children computers in school (and that is a debate for a different essay), then is that not possible to provide without internet access? A Chromebook isn’t a computer; it’s an internet browser. None of its features work without internet connectivity or a child having a Google account.
If (and again, a lot of heavy lifting on the “if”) there is a pedagogical benefit to providing a child a computer in or for school, why have schools only contracted with companies whose curricula or software functions only when these devices are internet connected? Why can’t a curriculum be downloaded onto a device or tools white-listed (meaning any digital platforms or tools used go through a vigorous vetting process first vs. the digital whac-a-mole approach taken today to attempt to block sites) and built into the hardware? (And for those who wonder about updating materials, the internet can be accessible to the adults whose job it is to update or improve the materials; the children themselves do not need access.) If you noticed in my Four Norms of EdTech, I differentiate between “internet-connected devices” and computers for these reasons explicitly (EdTech is not the same thing as Tech Ed.)
Remove the ability for children to access the internet on school-issued devices and you return the computer as a tool that children do need to learn about in this highly digital world.
Which brings us back to Sylvie and the flip phone. As her parent, I am at a point where I can see the benefits of her being able to reach us after camp or when she’s ready to be picked up from a friend’s house. I want her to have the independence to navigate the neighborhood and spend time hanging out with friends without hovering or constantly monitoring her– becoming an independent adult means giving teens the opportunities to practice independence while they’re still living at home, even if that sometimes feels scary to us as parents.
And even though she didn’t react how I’d hoped she would when I’d initially offered the flip phone, we decided to get her one anyway and just, you know…casually leave it around the kitchen and see if she noticed.
And get this: it worked.
While she was out with her cousins, we snuck out to Best Buy, bought their (only) flip phone for about a tenth of the cost of an iPhone, ordered a pink case from Amazon to pretty it up (Best Buy guy: “You really don’t need a case for these phones, they’re kind of indestructible” which is also another noteworthy benefit), shut off the ability to connect to the internet, added our own names and phone numbers, and just…left it fully charged on the counter.
When Sylvie got home, we were in the other room talking and I heard her exclaim, “Hey!? What’s this!?” as she picked up the flip phone.
“Oh that?” I replied so coolly and casually. “Just a flip phone for you…if you want it.”
Reader, she wanted it.
And it went a million times better than I expected. It was even fun because we had to teach her how to turn it on and off (remember those days?) and all about predictive texting. We even started our first-ever family group chat, and Sylvie cracked the joke that her messages would always be two topics behind because of how slowly she texted. (Thankfully, the flip phone has emoji capabilities, so she’ll communicate just fine.) 😜
The flip phone does have a few old-school games on it (Snake!) but they aren’t connected to the internet or to strangers or to a points system that gets publicized. While the flip phone may still provide some distractions, they are contained. There is no bottomless scroll or app store or social media apps. If people are trying to contact her, it’ll be because they have her (flip) phone number, not because she posted a picture that some stranger finds appealing.
The distractions of a flip-phone are manageable. They are part of the teaching we get to do as she learns not just how to use it but when and why, too. And even though she may still want a smartphone, her confidence and cheerfulness after getting the flip phone has been at an all-time high.
Plus, she’s realized that she can dramatically snap a flip phone shut, unlike a smartphone. I’ve taught her that in the olden days, we referred to this as “hanging up.” :)
*Just because I know I’m not the only parent out there who has experienced the whiplash of being hugged and verbally sparred with a teenager within the same 30 second window, rest assured that I decided to repair things with Sylvie by delivering her favorite snacks to the pool where she was meeting friends after school. She looked surprised to see me, but then accepted the treats with a hug, a “Thank you,” and a loud “HEY GUYS, THIS IS MY MOM!” Sigh. As I’ve said many times before, parenting teens is like being told “I need you” while simultaneously being shown the middle finger.
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