Several years ago, while rushing to buckle my toddler into her car seat so we could get to preschool on time, just as I started to close the door, she blurted out: “WAIT, Mommy! Just one quick question!!”

Frustrated, I said, “OK! What? Hurry up! We’re late!”

Without skipping a beat, she blurted out in one breath: “HOW-ARE-BABIES-MADE?”

Quick question? LOL. Right.

But it was an opportunity, in spite of how late we were running. I don’t remember exactly what I told her, but it was short, sweet, and appropriate for a toddler. I do remember thinking it was hilarious that that was her version of a “quick question,” which seemed to require more than a quick answer.  

Kids are naturally curious, and whatever moments spark their curiosity may come at inopportune moments. But I am glad she asked because I want to be a parent whose kids feel comfortable coming to ask questions– about any topic. 

A child’s curiosity doesn’t stop at the Wi-Fi or iPad login, however. In fact, with all the information of the World Wide Web literally at their fingertips, it’s easier than ever for children to get quick answers to “quick” questions. 

I don’t know many parents who are excited about their young child looking up “how are babies made” on the internet. I am sure there are some excellent developmentally appropriate sites and educational videos that can help a parent talk to a child about the birds and the bees. 

But the algorithm is skewed to give us the clickbait, icky stuff, not the kid-friendly information.

I’ve said it again and again- as parents, it is not our fault that things have gotten so messy and complicated when it comes to parenting and technology. But it is our responsibility to talk to our kids about all of it– the birds, the bees, and the bad stuff, too. 

One colleague I worked with used to tell parents that you should give a child a smartphone when you were ready for them to see porn. 

This can be shocking for the parent of a young child to hear, but the truth is that pornography is everywhere and a real hazard of online interactions.

It is important to remember that children aren’t necessarily seeking it out, but a Google search can go wrong very quickly. When my son was young, he was very into Harry Potter and wanted me to order him a “scarlet robe.” Typing that phrase into Amazon pulled up lingerie – not wizard cloaks. 

Similarly, any app with chat abilities provides opportunities for unsafe adults to have inappropriate contact with children. Sadly, predators go where they know children spend time online – like Roblox, YouTube, and Discord. (See this recent report in The Washington Post).  PSA: Trying to limit or block these sites is a game of digital Whac-A-Mole. Once you identify and restrict access to a problematic platform, another pops up. I’ve written a lot about why parental controls are a weak tool at best. See here and here.) 

Because staying on top of blocking and limiting inappropriate apps is impossible, it is imperative that we teach our children about consent, safe touching, and healthy sexuality. Even parents of very young children can start to teach these lessons early and often. 

Many parents dread the birds and bees talk because it is awkward and embarrassing. (I highly recommend Amy Lang’s work over and Birds and Bees and Kids for help on these conversations.) However, we must not only have that talk early, but also always connect it to how we interact with screens and the internet. They are inextricably linked.

When it comes to talking about the birds, bees, and screentime with your children, here are a few of my tips:

For littles (under age 10-ish):

1. Teaching children to never give out personal information on the internet (e.g., name, school, location, address, or age), no matter how friendly a stranger might seem.

2. Asking children of any age (yes, babies too) permission to take their photo and to post it online.

3. Letting children know that there are inappropriate things on the internet and that their job when, not if, they see it is to tell a trusted adult right away.

4. Remaining calm when children report seeing scary or inappropriate stuff, thanking them for telling us, and making sure the screen is off while we figure out what to do next.

5. Teaching children the correct names for anatomy so that they can give accurate information to doctors or law enforcement in the event of grooming or assault.

For middles (ages 10-ish and up):

1. Letting them know that increased independence comes with increased responsibility.

2. Explaining that sometimes they won’t know how to deal with certain things on the internet and that you are always available to answer questions and help them.

3. Teaching them why it is never okay to chat with strangers on the internet and how people sometimes pretend to be someone they’re not.

4. Telling them to never take, post, or share nude or provocative photos of themselves or others, even with permission. In some states, these actions are felonies.

In an ideal world, the internet would be a tool children could safely use on occasion. Unfortunately, the reality is that we are far from that ideal. Instead, we are clawing our way back to some sort of protective baseline.

While we continue to fight for more protective policies for children and to hold Big Tech accountable for their deceptive and predatory business practices, we can start in our own homes, with our own children, through frequent conversations.