If you’ve ever fought with your kid about turning off the iPad, putting down the phone, or stopping a video game, you’re in good company.

After six years of working with families, I hear the same stories over and over:

• “He says all his friends play video games, and he’ll be left out if he can’t play.”

• “Everyone else has _____.”

• “She flies into a rage when I tell her to put her phone away.”

• “I had parent controls installed but he found the workaround.”

• “I feel so overwhelmed as a parent. I don’t know what to do.”

Let’s start with the good news first: You are not alone! Parents all over the globe are struggling to strike a balance between protecting their children online, keeping them socially engaged, and prioritizing skills and experiences that are an integral part of childhood.

Even I, as the literal Screentime Consultant, feel overwhelmed by the constantly changing digital landscape. There is so much to keep up with as our children are also simultaneously growing and developing too!

In many of my conversations with parents, I am asked constantly: “How much screentime is too much? What parental controls should I use?” 

If this is what you’re wondering, your instincts are good– you care about your children and want what’s best for them!

However, I want to invite you to think about the “how much is too much” and “what parental controls” questions a little differently.

First, it’s very easy to get overwhelmed and want to find a technical solution to address the challenges, like a time limit or filter software. But children aren’t technical nor standardized, and what works for one child (even in the same family!) will not necessarily work for all children. Additionally, relying on technical solutions doesn’t create long-term, meaningful change or teach children to find a healthy relationship with technology.

Secondly, it’s very apparent now that the business model of Big Tech exploits our attention for profit. In an effort to appear less nefarious, Big Tech platforms offer “controls” or “parent centers” to monitor their children’s usage, while behind the scenes they dial up the design features that tap into the dopamine feedback loop. Then, as parents, we feel like we’ve failed when we can’t restrict or limit our kids’ time online without a meltdown. That is Big Tech’s goal– to make it feel like it’s our fault, not theirs, and therefore, the burden to “solve” this falls to parents. That’s wrong. 

To effectively support your family in finding balance with technology– what I refer to as “tech-intentional”-- we have to take things one step at a time.

Here’s where you start:

1. Identify your family’s values. Sometimes, we assume that these are clear to all family members, but naming them can provide clarity and a path forward. Future rules about screen use can be folded into values, so helping everyone understand what they are and how they impact our lives is a key first step. (See Chapter 3 in my book!)

2. Troubleshoot parental screen use. Gulp. Yes, this is a starting point. Parents often feel a lot of shame and guilt because we know our own screen habits are less than ideal. No one is perfect, and role modeling for our kids, which shows that we can make mistakes and correct course, is a powerful lesson.  (See Chapter 5 in my book!)

3. Take the long view. The cliche about parenting that “the days are long, but the years are short” is true here too. Choosing your battles, incorporating your values, and identifying on your screentime non-negotiables will help you stay focused on preparing resilient, courageous, and tech-intentional children for the future. (See Chapter 8 in my book!)

Once these pieces are in place (and that takes some time, so go slow!), here is what comes next:

1. Make room for the analog. We all only have 24 hours in a day. Make sure to prioritize the experiences of childhood that build the skills needed to thrive as they grow. This means open-ended play, time in nature, and real-world connections with peers. The bulk of a child’s day should include these things; occasional screen use can be sprinkled around them. (See Chapter 4 in my book!)

2. Prioritize relationships. More than the total amount of screentime or specific parental control, the strength of your relationship with your child is the best predictor of their future mental health. Replace judgment with curiosity, ask open-ended questions, always be a trusted adult they can come to, and try not to take teen emotions too personally. (See Chapter 7 in my book!)

3. Modeling intentional tech use. Once you’ve identified your own challenge areas around screentime, you can show your children that change is possible by how you shift your own use of technology. This may look like moving your phone out of your bedroom at night or “living your life out loud”-- narrating what you do as you do it whenever you’re reaching for a digital tool. (See Chapter 5 in my book!)

Remember, we’re taking the long view with parenting around screen use, and it’s going to take time and effort on our part to effect change. Progress isn’t linear either, and we will make mistakes and learn a lot in this process. 

As your child grows and changes, too, you will encounter new challenges. Here are a few things to have on your radar, especially if your child is still young:

1. Screen use for schools has increased exponentially. Most children at most ages are spending some portion of their school day on laptops or tablets every day, and many are sent home for “homework” (even in Kindergarten). This is a growing problem that is directly impacting learning and development, and parents need to be aware of their options (in many cases, there are not many.) Even in a phone-free school (and there are some), children can access the same content and platforms on school-issued devices. (For more information, please see my Unplug EdTech Toolkit!).

2. You can say no to phones and social media, but that doesn’t mean your kids won’t use them. This is one of the hardest things about parenting in the digital age. Your values may be clear, you may have refused to purchase devices, and you may have established family expectations around technology, but you cannot control what your child’s friends and classmates have and use. Your child will encounter social media, YouTube, gaming, and more, whether you’ve said “no” or not. It’s critical to realize this and have constant, ongoing conversations with them about what to do and how to handle different situations.  (See this article for more information!) 

3. Parenting around technology is fraught with judgment. Trust your instincts, control your controllables, and know that you’re on the right side of history when you stay focused on less screentime is more; later is better; and prioritize skills and relationships first. (See Chapter 5 in my book and go to this link to learn more about how I help schools!). 

All of this requires time and effort. There isn’t a “quick fix.” And yes, conflict and stress are part of the journey. But as I wrote in my book dedication, this is a fight worth having. 

Go get ‘em, parents!

:)