Introduction:

It’s been said of the truly bizarre and most outrageous moments in life that “if we were to make a movie of this, no one would believe it really happened.” 

This is how I feel currently about EdTech– or, more specifically, the internet-connected 1:1 device programs we’ve forced on teachers and students in the name of “innovation” and “the future.”  

Someday in the future, I believe we will look back, gobsmacked that six-year-olds were so readily provided tools on which they were able to access pornography at school. 

I hope we will be horrified by how eagerly administrators and school leaders doled out such devices in spite of copious amounts of research that show they are neither safe, nor effective, nor legal. 

And I’d certainly hope that all those teachers whose wisdom, experience, and common sense were ignored in our pleas for reasonable technology use will receive an apology. 

But I'm not holding my breath.

Which is why in this essay I employ satire (a literary device where writers use humor, irony, and exaggeration to reveal seemingly obvious absurdities) in an attempt to help us see the crazy more clearly.

Because the current state of things is, indeed, crazy. (I wrote more about The Madness of EdTech here). 

I’m not afraid to point out that the emperor is naked.

It is important to let you know that for this essay, I pulled full sentences directly from EdTech company and public school district websites in documents and replaced the words “school-issued devices” with “Keys for kids.” It wasn’t hard to find or to write.

Read the essay in its entirety. Revel in the absurdity of it. 

Then Opt Out of EdTech until schools and predatory EdTech companies are forced to get this right. 

Enjoy.

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To: All Parents and Guardians at the American School District

Date: January 2025

Re: Announcing New School Program: “Keys for Kids”

Hello Parents and Guardians!

Welcome back! 

We hope your families had a restful and enjoyable school break. As we jump back into the school routine, our district would like to provide you with some important information about a new program our district is adopting: “Keys for Kids.” 

As you are well aware, a lot has changed in our world, including education. We at the American School District realize that it is our responsibility to prepare our students for the future that lies ahead, which is why, with the support of our administration, School Board, and community, we are implementing “Keys for Kids.”

Recognizing the importance of “Learning by Doing,” as our school mission states, this year we are partnering with community organizations, our district transportation department, and First Student School Buses, Inc., our new “Keys for Kids” program will provide each and every student with their own set of keys to operate the school buses.

Starting in kindergarten, students will jump right into learning the routes, operating the bus, and choosing how to use their individual Keys during Choice Time. This will allow our overworked teachers more time to focus on other classroom tasks (thank you, teachers!). As children build driving skills and learn the ins and outs of bus safety, they will be increasingly tasked with real-world challenges, such as traffic safety, memorizing pick-up routes, and responding to behavioral crises during their drives. 

Older students, allowed more freedom as they mature, will be expected to pre-screen any hop-ons or hitch-hikers. Please note that your child is responsible for any and all actions they take when driving the bus so we strongly recommend that families have a conversation at home about how to drive a school bus. We are confident in their ability to make good choices! 

“Keys for Kids” is uniquely crafted for students, families, teachers, and administrators to support personal learning through hands-on experience, to foster community engagement through the exploration of our city, and to provide a supportive environment for everyone at every step– or should we say “stop”-- on their educational journey.

We realize that parental trust in our district is vital for a thriving school community, and we want to reassure you that we have taken steps to ensure student safety. In addition to installing seatbelts on the buses, all students have read and agreed to the following terms and conditions:

• Participation in “Keys for Kids” is a privilege. Students are expected to use their Keys responsibly. Misuse may result in removal of the Keys, suspension, or possible expulsion. 

• Students will use the Keys for school-related activities only; however, please note they are expected to take the Keys home after school and bring them back the following school day.

• Students will use the Keys safely and respectfully. Students will make good choices about how they store, handle, and use the Keys.

• Students who damage their Keys will be required to pay a replacement fee of $350, so parents need to have conversations with their children about how to handle them responsibly.

• Students will not share their Keys with other students.

• Students are accountable for any and all damages incurred while using their Keys to operate the school bus, including injury to themselves, others, or the vehicle itself. We know they will make good choices. 

By accepting these terms and conditions, students waive any right to privacy when using District-issued Keys. The District does not promise that the functions of the Keys will meet any specific requirements you may have, or that use of the Keys by students will be error- or accident-free. District administrators have the final say on what constitutes a violation of “Keys for Kids" policies. Those violations include, but are not limited to, all bulleted points above.

Because it is vitally important that all our students are all provided the same resources on which to learn, we are unable to offer any alternatives to the “Keys for Kids” program, and all students will be expected to participate.

If you have any questions, please direct them to your classroom teacher!

Thank you for your continued support–

Best,

Mr. Superintendent
American School District