Look, I get it. One day your kids are little, they go to bed at a reasonable time, and you feel like you can manage and monitor their screen use.

Then, suddenly, they are fifth graders, being invited to join group chats that are not only unwieldy but 99% asking “whose number is this?”, staying up until way later than you’d like, and using words like “skibidi toilet” and laughing hysterically while you blink in confusion.  

Welcome, parents. 

Welcome to a club you may never have wanted or intended to join– the Club of Parents Who Thought They’d Say No to Screens Forever, But Suddenly, Here We Are.

In addition to adding you to our enormous membership roster, I’d also like to start by saying: We are a judgment-free zone.

Mostly. 

I often joke that parenting is the judgiest sport I’ve ever played. It’s rough out there. We can be really mean to each other.

But judgment doesn’t move us forward, and as cheesy as it sounds, we’re going to need each other a lot over the coming years. 

When it comes to parenting, kids, and screens, I take a tech-intentional™ approach. In short, tech-intentional means:

1. Less is more

2. Later is better

3. Relationships and skills before screens

You may note that being tech-intentional doesn’t mean saying “no screentime ever” or “your kids should never touch an iPad” or “all screens are evil.” 

On the contrary– being tech-intentional means being discerning about the how/what/when of screens, in the context of bigger real-life activities and relationships. Questions I’d much rather you think about are, “Does my child engage in after-school activities, like sports or arts or even just playing outside with friends?” and “Does my child find entertainment in non-screen ways too?” and “Do my child and I have a strong connected relationship?” 

Because at some point, whether it’s in your house, on the school bus, in the classroom, or at a friend’s house, your child will encounter screens. Whether we like it or not, it’s pretty much impossible today to avoid QR code menus and pay-by-phone parking systems and flight check-in kiosks and grocery store self-pay stations. Screens are ubiquitous in our world. 

So whether you caved and got your child a smartphone for Christmas, your elementary school student is the proud owner of a new iPad, or your 9th grader finally got the gaming console he always wanted– it’s done. You did it. 

Now what?

Let’s start by replacing judgment with curiosity. You’ve made a big decision, your child is probably beyond ecstatic, and you may have a lot of concern about What’s Comes Next. Short of sending you to read my book (which I do recommend as it really does cover a lot of this), I have a few tips and recommendations for you to consider in how to best prepare yourself for what’s coming. 

Here are five steps to get your started:

1. Establish right away that no devices sleep in the bedrooms. And yes, this does mean parental devices too. This is a high-impact, easy to implement rule that has net positive impacts on everyone in the family. Check out this essay I wrote about common trends I hear from parenting surveys I conduct.

2. Focus on strengthening the relationship you have with your child, not a total number of minutes/hours per day. Honestly, the biggest fights families have around screen use is when kids can’t/won’t/don’t stop using a screen when a parent asks them to. But that’s going to happen because the products are engineered to hook and hold their attention. It’s not a fair fight, and the only thing to get you through it will be a strong, trusting relationship with your child. 

3. Do not rely on parental controls to monitor or manage screentime. That’s your job, even if that’s not fair or right. And yes, it’s exhausting, frustrating, and very difficult. The deck is stacked against you. I’ve written extensively about parental controls here and here and in my book.

4. Set expectations for device use ahead of time. Going to a restaurant? Traveling? Visiting relatives? Riding the bus? Children need to be taught when it is okay and not okay to look at devices. Parents may need some revisiting of this themselves. 

5. Understand child brain development. You don’t need to become neuroscientists, but you should know that a child’s brain is not an adult brain. They will not be able to self-manage screen use and screens will not regulate their nervous systems, in spite of what you read on social media. Teach them about their brains too and how design features make it hard to stop scrolling or playing.

Having a smart device is a big responsibility. It also comes with a significant amount of potential risks. Parenting in the digital age involves a lot of continuous learning, lots of conversations and teaching, and plenty of patience. You’re not just a parent, you’re a teacher. 

Whenever possible, find other parents to partner with on this. It makes your job so much easier when other parents delay smartphone access or limit social media or ensure their kids are participating in non-screen stuff too. 

It is hard to know what, exactly, makes a parent “successful” in navigating this digital age. Complete absolution from screens isn’t realistic, and unlimited scrolling isn’t good for anyone. I believe that those who will emerge most unscathed from these years will be the families where conversations about technology are abundant, where mistake-making is part of the learning experience, where understanding and support are the primary messages from parents, and where adults are comfortable asking annoying questions, paying attention to what their children are doing, and being Those Parents. (Because let’s be honest– our teens were never going to think we were cool anyway, so we might as well embrace it.)

Happy parenting, everyone!

e