I recently remembered a viral family holiday card photo from about five years ago: 

Standing side by side, an entire family stared down at the individual smartphones in their hands, with the caption “Happy Holidays from the Smith Family!”

I remember thinking how hilarious it was– “No one is looking up! Isn’t that so funny? What a clever holiday family photo!”

But the problem is that, just a few years later, this has become our norm. We don’t really laugh when we see entire families sitting at a table all on personal devices, or waiting in line staring at their phones, or taking videos of every playground visit, road trip, or playdate to post later.

Do we really go back and watch the hundreds of hours of footage we take, or scroll through the tens of thousands of photos that fill our storage? We will likely just upgrade to a new phone with more storage and shrug. It’s how things are now. 

But I want to push back on the notion that this is the new normal. Yes, things are different. But no, we don’t have to accept that this version is better for us or our children.

We actually have things backwards.

We have decades of research about the skills children need to develop into healthy adults. But we do not yet have long-term research about the impact of excessive screentime (especially at younger ages) on learning and development, though we are increasingly seeing the red flags. 

When I was writing my book, I came across this fascinating stat (which is already several years old!):

According to a 2017 study released by internet security company AVG Technologies, by age five, more kids knew how to play a computer game or navigate a smartphone than tie their shoes. 

Today, parents download apps to help children read by age four, teach coding skills to prepare them for tech-based careers, and provide smartphones and social media to connect tweens to their friends. At the same time, parents are bombarded with headlines about how children are falling behind academically, how tech skills are imperative for future success, and how we fail as parents if we don’t provide tech early and often. And, of course, we receive all this information via alerts, notifications, and feeds on our own personal devices. 

But no tech-based tools will prove beneficial unless (and until) we prioritize certain skills first.

Kindergarten has changed dramatically in the past generation. Classrooms that used to be about learning and skill building through dress-up corners, play kitchens, and book nooks are now filled with individual desks and chairs, reading levels, and sight words. 

In elementary school, digital tablets are used for math and science curricula. And rather than enjoying an old-school pizza party, elementary students who have achieved a classroom goal are rewarded with “device days,” when they are allowed to bring personal devices, such as tablets or smartphones, to school as a celebration (a concept that yields numerous problems, particularly around equity since not all children have devices). 

Middle and high school look really different too. Paper planners and textbooks have been replaced with learning management systems and eBooks. Extracurricular programs and athletics use social media sites to communicate and share information. 

But assigning reading at younger ages and displacing paper planners with online versions are not in a child’s best developmental interests. Young children’s visual systems are not yet fully developed and integrated. Play and movement develop the skills children need to learn how to read. Some countries understand this. In Finland, for example, children don’t begin school until they are seven years old, yet they often score high on international reading tests. But in other countries, such as the United States, teaching reading is now occurring at younger and younger ages, even though this runs counter to how children develop literacy.

Although some skills can be taught on screens, children do not need screens to build most skill sets. Instead, children need to develop certain skills before they can access screens. 

We need to realign the experience of childhood with child development. 

We must reverse the order to expose children to analog before digital skills. 

We need to reprioritize what we focus on when our children are still young and developing before we toss them tablets and smartphones.

As we strive to be Tech-Intentional™ parents (my mission!), we must consider our children’s development and temperament when setting appropriate limits. There are some in my field who will argue for zero screentime for children, even into their teen years, but I do not see that as the best approach—though I certainly champion anyone’s efforts to try! – for the same reason that absolutism about sugar, for example, might only increase temptation or sneaky behaviors. 

At some point, children will be introduced to screen-based technology, whether at home, through peers, or at school; the how, when, and what will vary considerably. And for most children and families, screens are very much embedded in our culture and lives– see the Smith Family holiday card.  

I believe the best approach to protecting our children and setting them up for future success lies in prioritizing key areas of development before the deluge of screentime so that when the proverbial flood arrives, they will at least be better prepared.

To learn more about what that looks like, go read my book! You can pre-order it here.